Walking in the Light

Solution: Picking heavy shit up, and throwing it.

This is what I did yesterday. Well, not exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was one of the manliest workouts out there right now. Seriously. Any of you guys out there doing your curls and crunches can admire yourselves in your little pink panties all day long. You have nothing on the monstrous workout I did yesterday.

I threw up at the end. Okay, well not really, but you would have.

All right, let me break it down.

We started with some dead lifts. Let’s just stop there. I am of the opinion that dead lifts are the absolute manliest lift you can do this side of lifting a beautiful girl out of a pit of snakes. You’re just using your brute strength to take something really heavy and hoist it off the ground. It’s simple. It’s primal. It’s what men do. It’ll wind you really fast, but it’s okay, because you’ll feel like a total BAMF. Which is what I am.

Second is squats. Another purely virile move. You set some more heavy shit on your shoulders, and you use your tree trunk leg muscles to push it up. Compare this to pushing a train off an old lady trapped underneath, or carrying the world like a titan. You feel it in your butt, your hams, your thighs, your back, and your abs.

Third – barbell presses. If dead lifts are the manliest move, barbell presses are a close second. You take a barbell and weight, hold it in your hands, and press it up until your arms are extended. Works every single muscle in your upper body, and trains you push a closing steel door up so you can allow the elderly and the children to escape a lockdown.

Okay, all of this has been pretty B-core (that’s Baumgartner-core for those of you not in the know), but the next few moves really separate the boys from the men. This stuff is old-fashioned. It’s the moves your grandpa did, back when they didn’t have electricity or the internet and men had to support their families with the sweat from their brow. Are you ready?

Sandbag tosses. That’s right. You take a big burlap sandbag, grab it with your strong, masculine hands, pick it up, and toss it as far as you can. Repeat until you start to cry.

Sledgehammer swings. You take an old tire, and you beat the bejeezus out of it with a sledgehammer. This is awesome. Talk about your catharsis. You know who screams into pillows when they’re ticked? Little emo boys. You know who grabs a sledgehammer and pounds the living daylights of out something with it? Men. Do this about 20 times on each side and you’ll be too exhausted and sore to care about the little worries like unemployment or terrorism.

Finally, our last move – the BAMF. That’s the name I just made up for it. For the BAMF, you take that tire you just pounded with the sledgehammer, attach a rope to it, put on a harness, and drag the tire as far and as fast as you can until you physically collapse. As you get stronger, you can move on to other objects – bigger tires, fat people, cars, trains – whatever. If you can dream it, you can drag it, boys.

This was me after.

For those 2 or 3 men who log onto this blog, I highly recommend you throw out your maxi pads and try this workout on for size. And for the women who read it - well, I hope for your sake you find a man B-core enough to tear this one down.