Walking in the Light

It’s only Monday, and I’ve already had the best claim of the week. I know this because there will never be a claim as hilarious as this one. Let me back it up for you.

This is the loss report I receive:

“Claimant fell from 3rd floor balcony at Ramada Inn in Metairie. Video footage is available. Claimant admitted to front desk that he was intoxicated. Putting insurance on notice”

That’s it. So this claimant – let’s call him Dude. We have a couple of other statements from neighboring guests. Apparently, Dude was having a wild time in his hotel room. Loud music, lots of noise, the usual bro fare. My guess (and the other adjusters’ guesses) was this Dude was hanging with his bros for a last summer hoorah before school starts. Getting wasted, scoring the honeys, whatever. Apparently the party got a little out of control and Dude took a little tumble a la Scarlet.

So it’s time for Super Sleuth Kori to put his detective hat on and get to the bottom of this. So I pick up and the phone and decide to give Dude a call. I was just going to take a casual little interview to lock down Dude’s admittance to being loaded the night of the incident, close off the report with a liability assessment of 0%, and move along with my life.

But that’s not exactly what happens. Because when I call the number, an old man answers the phone.

Surprised. Unsettled. Is this Dude’s father? Grandfather? What’s the deal here? I politely ask to speak to Dude.

“This is he.”

Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone. YOU are Dude? You’re like the crypt keeper! This must be some sort of mistake. Maybe you have a son with the same name?

Nope. One Dude, and one Dude only. Except Dude is not a dude. He’s an adult man. And here’s the story.

This man, the Artist Formerly Known as Dude, was on a business trip to New Orleans for his company, which collects urine samples from across the country to do drug screenings. The Artist Formerly Known as Dude went to dinner with his boss the evening of the incident.

And that’s all he remembers.

That’s right, folks. Utter blackout. Absolutely no recollection of finishing dinner, paying the bill, going back to the hotel, falling three stories off a balcony, or being in the hospital. The next thing he remembers is around 7:00 the next evening, when he’s on a flight back home to Arkansas with a bad headache and 2 black eyes.

He doesn’t remember the raucous party.

He doesn’t remember the neighbors complaining.

He doesn’t remember the police showing up and telling him to keep it down.

He doesn’t remember the hospital.

The Artist Formerly Known as Dude doesn’t even remember falling off a freaking balcony.

Are you ready for the kicker? The Artist Formerly Known as Dude is FIFTY FIVE YEARS OLD!!!!

This 55 year old man got completely wasted out of his mind, threw a humongous one-man party in the Ramada Inn, and then jumped off the balcony!!!!

This guy is hardcore.

The best part is that the boss woke up the next morning, went to his hotel room, and the Artist Formerly Known as Dude wasn’t there. Didn’t answer his calls either. So, concerned about his employee’s whereabouts, Mr. Boss goes down to the hotel desk, asking if they knew anything. They inform him that his employee fell 3 stories off a balcony and is in the hospital now. Mr. Boss then continues on with his day of work and then goes to pick up Artist Formerly Known as Dude at the hospital that evening.

Did you catch that? Mr. Boss left his employee (and assumedly friend) rotting in a hospital after a 3 story fall for the WHOLE DAY while he was out collecting pee. What is going on up in Arkansas? I mean, really.

I’m willing to bet there’s a whole lot more to this story, Hangover-style. The pieces are just not fitting right. Did Mr. Boss roofie the Artist Formerly Known as Dude? What happened between dinner and the fall? Was there a tiger or Mike Tyson involved?

I think I’m going to spend the rest of this day thinking of the possible events that occurred that night to the Artist Formerly Known as Dude. Expect a post about this. I’m willing to bet he had a pretty epic night.

If only he could remember it…