Walking in the Light

This is Miracle Powder. This is the stuff of gods. It is rest for the weary. It turns men into deities.

This is not cocaine.

This is corn starch.

It's a common kitchen item. It functions primarily as a thickener for sauces and gravies. You probably have a box of it in your kitchen somewhere. I do.

But I don't just have a box in my kitchen. I also have a small ziploc bag of it hidden in one of my bathroom cabinets.

You see, my friends, I have a little problem. A little annoying, recurring problem.

I chafe.

I chafe bad.

Sure, okay. Lots of people chafe. What's the big deal?

The big deal is that I don't chafe...normally. I don't chafe like everyone else chafes. Or rather, I don't chafe where everyone else chafes.

I chafe in...

I chafe in...

I chafe in my buttcrack.

There, it's out. I've said it. On hot days I come home with a painful, bloody buttcrack. It burns. It itches. It makes my life miserable. And there's only one antidote.

Corn starch.

You see, I get home, and I go up to the bathroom, and I grab a handful of cornstarch and just pack it all up in there.

And oh, my friends, you don't know. You cannot possibly know the glory of the feeling of a handful of cool, fresh cornstarch in a hot, chafed, bleeding buttcrack. It is heaven. It is bliss. It is a sensation unlike any other that man has ever had the divine blessing to experience. With the help of our powdery friends, two butt cheeks slide effortless against each other. It's almost as if the skin was removed and replaced with silk. That's exactly it. You're walking around with a silk buttcrack.

This gift, though, like all great gifts, comes with consequences. It's a very delicate matter, walking around with a butt full of corn starch. Boxer shorts + corn starched butt = serious difficulties. You can forget about walking on dark carpet. As you walk, the excess powder can sprinkle out down your pant leg, leaving a little trail of cornstarch in your wake. It's an embarrassing problem, but at least it leaves the witnesses puzzled and not disgusted.

There it is. My big confession. I feel so much better now, don't you?

Just watch out for the little white trails, okay? If you see them, you'll know why the man leaving them behind has that extra little pep in his step, but you'll probably want to steer clear of them all the same.